Torn
I started this as a place where I can try and sort my thoughts. It is not easy right now. I am torn. Recently I have been feeling trapped in my current situation-one that I'm not sure I want to be in. At one time I thought I did, but things have changed.
And to add a little salt into that wound, the memory of an ex has infiltrated the defenses in my mind, and made themselves quite at home. This person first entered my life 6 years ago....my God....has it been that long..? It has, just doesn't seem like it. Anyway, we clicked instantly. It was the closest thing to love at first sight that I've ever experienced. Had I not just gotten my heart broken the day before, it may have been just that. We began spending a lot of time together, and we could talk all night long. Deep, meaningful conversations. I never knew someone could know me so well after such a short time...but he seemed to just "get" me. Eventually, I realized I was deeply in love with this guy...but I was too scared to tell him. I was too scared of losing the friendship. Long story short, it eventually got out, and it turned out he felt the same. We had a whirlwind relationship after that. Everything went fast, but physically but also when it came to saying "I love you". But it just felt right. Just a month later though, he broke it off out of the blue. I was devestated.
I mourned the loss of the greatest love I ever knew, and eventually moved on with my life. He moved back to his home city just a few months after the breakup. It was a year before I talked to him again with any regularity. Then late in 2000, he came to visit me. When I saw him, my heart fluttered. I knew full well I could not trust myself with him, but I didn't care. I just wanted to be near him, to talk to him, to rebuild our friendship. As we sat having a drink and playing cards, exchanging flirts, and the next thing I know, we are wrestling. He kisses me. I thought as if I would float away. Was this really happening? Is it just because we've been drinking? He tells me that he has dated other people but always compared them to me and they never measured up. I was shocked. He tells me the reason he broke it off....and that he loved me. I was the happiest person alive at that moment. I didn't want it to ever end.
We decided to give "us" another try. Unfortunatly, it didn't last. Timing is everything, and mine is notoriously BAD. I was at a crossroads in my life. I could either stay in Texas to be with him, or come home to Missouri where a successful career awaited me. I really fought with the decision. I knew that if I left, I would lose any chance of being with him. I also knew exactly what I wanted for my career, and it couldn't be achieved in Texas. I opted for my career. It was the one thing I knew was solid choice. Let's face it, relationships are never predictable. In my heart I knew he was probably "the one" for me, but I couldn't say for sure that he felt the same. So reluctantly, I left.
It turns out that it was a good thing. My brother died just 8 months later, and I was home when it happened. If I had chosen the other path, I would have been 1,000 miles away when my family needed me the most. Shortly after my brother's death, I talked to Eric for the last time. We lost track of each other. It would be 3 years before I found him. From time to time during those 3 years, I would try to search for him, but never had any luck. But last December, I struck gold. I had found my former love. Hearing his voice again soothed my soul, which, I admit, was a bit tortured at the time; I was right in the middle of finally dealing with my brother's death.
Contact has been sporatic with Eric since then. I met someone and even got engaged. But there is trouble in paradise, and usually it is during times like this that the fog lifts and reality sets in. A dream I had about a week ago is what cleared my fog. I dreamed that Eric came to visit me, and during the visit, he touched my face and pulled me close...and kissed me deeply. It was as if nothing had ever changed between us. When I woke, I had the best "warm fuzzy" feeling...and it hit me like a ton of bricks: my fiance doesn't make me feel that way...in fact, he never has. I never get butterflies when I see him or talk to him. When I am near him, I don't feel like there are sparks flying between us. I don't have to stand there and resist the urge to touch him. I don't have to wipe a big stupid grin off my face.
I'm with the wrong person.
I have began telling Eric how I've been feeling. I feel like if I don't get it off my chest, I might explode. He is being cautious. But did admit that the time we spent together were some of his happiest. It's a start. I haven't heard from him tonight. I'm going nuts. And I'm full of guilt...what am I going to do about my fiance? How do you tell someone you are in love with someone else?
And to add a little salt into that wound, the memory of an ex has infiltrated the defenses in my mind, and made themselves quite at home. This person first entered my life 6 years ago....my God....has it been that long..? It has, just doesn't seem like it. Anyway, we clicked instantly. It was the closest thing to love at first sight that I've ever experienced. Had I not just gotten my heart broken the day before, it may have been just that. We began spending a lot of time together, and we could talk all night long. Deep, meaningful conversations. I never knew someone could know me so well after such a short time...but he seemed to just "get" me. Eventually, I realized I was deeply in love with this guy...but I was too scared to tell him. I was too scared of losing the friendship. Long story short, it eventually got out, and it turned out he felt the same. We had a whirlwind relationship after that. Everything went fast, but physically but also when it came to saying "I love you". But it just felt right. Just a month later though, he broke it off out of the blue. I was devestated.
I mourned the loss of the greatest love I ever knew, and eventually moved on with my life. He moved back to his home city just a few months after the breakup. It was a year before I talked to him again with any regularity. Then late in 2000, he came to visit me. When I saw him, my heart fluttered. I knew full well I could not trust myself with him, but I didn't care. I just wanted to be near him, to talk to him, to rebuild our friendship. As we sat having a drink and playing cards, exchanging flirts, and the next thing I know, we are wrestling. He kisses me. I thought as if I would float away. Was this really happening? Is it just because we've been drinking? He tells me that he has dated other people but always compared them to me and they never measured up. I was shocked. He tells me the reason he broke it off....and that he loved me. I was the happiest person alive at that moment. I didn't want it to ever end.
We decided to give "us" another try. Unfortunatly, it didn't last. Timing is everything, and mine is notoriously BAD. I was at a crossroads in my life. I could either stay in Texas to be with him, or come home to Missouri where a successful career awaited me. I really fought with the decision. I knew that if I left, I would lose any chance of being with him. I also knew exactly what I wanted for my career, and it couldn't be achieved in Texas. I opted for my career. It was the one thing I knew was solid choice. Let's face it, relationships are never predictable. In my heart I knew he was probably "the one" for me, but I couldn't say for sure that he felt the same. So reluctantly, I left.
It turns out that it was a good thing. My brother died just 8 months later, and I was home when it happened. If I had chosen the other path, I would have been 1,000 miles away when my family needed me the most. Shortly after my brother's death, I talked to Eric for the last time. We lost track of each other. It would be 3 years before I found him. From time to time during those 3 years, I would try to search for him, but never had any luck. But last December, I struck gold. I had found my former love. Hearing his voice again soothed my soul, which, I admit, was a bit tortured at the time; I was right in the middle of finally dealing with my brother's death.
Contact has been sporatic with Eric since then. I met someone and even got engaged. But there is trouble in paradise, and usually it is during times like this that the fog lifts and reality sets in. A dream I had about a week ago is what cleared my fog. I dreamed that Eric came to visit me, and during the visit, he touched my face and pulled me close...and kissed me deeply. It was as if nothing had ever changed between us. When I woke, I had the best "warm fuzzy" feeling...and it hit me like a ton of bricks: my fiance doesn't make me feel that way...in fact, he never has. I never get butterflies when I see him or talk to him. When I am near him, I don't feel like there are sparks flying between us. I don't have to stand there and resist the urge to touch him. I don't have to wipe a big stupid grin off my face.
I'm with the wrong person.
I have began telling Eric how I've been feeling. I feel like if I don't get it off my chest, I might explode. He is being cautious. But did admit that the time we spent together were some of his happiest. It's a start. I haven't heard from him tonight. I'm going nuts. And I'm full of guilt...what am I going to do about my fiance? How do you tell someone you are in love with someone else?
posted by Jamie | 7:20 PM
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